Of Heartaches and Heartbreaks

Too often, I find myself shedding tears to memories that came into my life and somehow left marks and scars that would never fade. No matter how I try to conceal them and try to heal them, they keep on aching, the keep on bleeding. All this time, I have been hiding all the emotions behind my smiling face. I have always been searching for something, or someone who could ease the pain, who could erase all the sad memories. But those memories kept haunting me. They kept on hurting me so deep. Relationship after relationship, nothing happens. And here I am, sunk in a poignant life no one would desire to have.

Probably the reason why I have been very emotional when it comes to relationships lies on the past. My very first serious relationship was the first heartbreak I had, the first heartache I felt. Was there something wrong with me? Have I not been pretty enough to make him stay? Should have I been smarter enough to find a way to keep our relationship? Or was I stupid enough to have been fooled? I absolutely could blame him. And I could blame myself too. But hell no! He had his games. He had his dirty intentions, which I was not up to. I was just a college girl looking forward to a great college life, and there he was, playing around. I stood up to my choice not to give in to his desires and eventually, he drifted away. It was painful on my part because I had sincere and pure intentions and plans for our relationship. But somehow, it was a good thing to have lost him. Because there simply is nothing good in keeping him. And probably I would have sailed a thousand regrets into a river of tears if I made the wrong decision.

This event in my life has been a learning experience though. To have fallen in love. To have been hurt. And for having chosen the right way and for making the right decisions for my self.


~Musings from a girl who learned her lesson

Half-full, Half-empty

But really, have I learned? Relationship after relationship, here I am again, shattered. In just a couple of seconds, all the good memories are gone, blown by the cool wind. And how’s my heart? Cold. Freezing cold that sends me shivers from the tip of my hair to my toes. I feel my chest stabbed in the middle, my heart wanting to pop out. I could feel the blood rushing out of my nerves. I am now screaming inside, crying out loud. Flashbacks, memories drifting one by one in my half-conscious mind. One by one they start to fade. I could feel the earth swallow me whole. I feel empty now. With no one to tell the misery I am going through, I now realize I have been all alone. My frozen heart has popped out of my chest, finally touching the floor. Fragments scattered, I have no idea how to pick them up and glue them together again. But as I have always said, no matter how you glue the pieces together, it will never be the same. There will always be flaws to remind you how bad it has gone through. In time, I will have the strength to stand up and to fix myself. But for now, I savor the bitterness of this solitude as I lay on the floor.


Reflections of a shattered girl

so near yet so far

For the one I admire:

You were just one of the guys I ought to admire,

and to be your girl is my greatest desire;

The touch of your hand, the warmth of your embrace,

the feeling of the moment, only in my mind I could trace.

Whenever you pass by, my heart skips a beat,

but when you turn away, I feel like a soldier in defeat;

You make me melt like ice when you come near,

I may seen not to notice you, but to me you are so dear.

You make me spic & span whenever you're around,

You rule my world, to you I'm bound;

You're so charming and passionate yet so divine,

Why can't you just be mine?


From a Desperate Girl